I met the friendliest cop last night
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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