Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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