Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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