I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
My liver just had a heart attack.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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