Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize