I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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