hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
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