Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
