I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
