OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
farters have to be the big spoon...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize