If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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