Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
