Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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