I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
