Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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