She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
