Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
