You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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