3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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