I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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