I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
