I wish my penis had an off switch
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
