ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
