you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
