I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
