Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Shame - the story of my life.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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