So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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