chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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