It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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