Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
