My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
