Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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