The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
