I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
