I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
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