I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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