just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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