the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
