he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Randomize