i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
