God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
