but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
