I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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