sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
do nipples grow back?
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