Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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