His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
