i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
