I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
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