Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Two words: blizzard sex
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
