I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
