There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
