I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
