We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
the liver wants what the liver wants
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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