I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
