You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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