I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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