I met the friendliest cop last night
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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