Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
