I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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