Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
